Almost 1

It is a little over a week away from David Paul and Delaney's first birthday and I am starting to have quite a bit of anxiety. I have been analyzing my emotions regarding their birthday and I haven't quite solved it yet. I think that the reality that this year, which has undoubtedly been the hardest year of my life, it almost over. Sure, this can be seen as a good and positive thing. But for some reason I am still unaccepting of this. It was so tough. The pregnancy. Cardiac issues and Pubis Symphisis Dysfunction. PROM at 28 weeks. 2 weeks on hospital bedrest. The emergency delivery at 29 weeks 6 days. The 54 days in the NICU. Two heart surgerys, one for each child which came with 2 and 3 days on the ventilators each. Bringing home preemies and having no experience and very little help. Dealing with Torticollis and Plagiocephaly with Delaney. Synagis vaccines every month for 5 months. The first helmet. A call to 911 and an ambulance ride for David Paul. ECHO's for David Paul. David Paul's ongoing and quite difficult battle with Acid Reflux- it sounds "simple" but has been quite a problem for that poor boy and has resulted in countless trips to the Pediatrician and multiple different reflux meds. Physical Therapy weekly. Quitting my job at SFH - bittersweet and another blog!. Multiple recurring ear infections and colds. All the developmental issues and scares. More than our fair share of breathing treatments. The second helmet. And all the milestones in between. Am I ready for all THAT to end? Sure, but. I just listed quite the brocade of "things" that have occurred this past year that no reasonable person would want to repeat. I don't want to repeat it all, but I'm not "over" it either. Life is moving at a pace faster than I can keep up with and frankly, I'm not too crazy about that! Somewhere in the last 30 years I slowed down and am NOT a fan of change. I like structure. I plan. Then I implement those plans. I like to follow routines and get used to what I am doing. I like to be good at what I am doing. It is hard to stay on top of things, and plan and get used to my routines when they are constantly changing! Yes, it is good. For them. No, it is great for them. I am SOOOO proud of my little babies who at just one year of life have already faced so many challenges and have continued to battle in the fight for their lives. They amaze me and are clearly, stronger than I! Fortunately I have my husband David to help me stay strong and to step in when I am not being very strong and help me through it. He puts up with so much from me and I am thankful that I have him in my life. And then I tell myself, there you have it. I must face this milestone in their lives, in my life, and embrace it, for I cannot go back. The hardest part I think is accepting that they are growing up. Gone are the days of holding my tiny little ones against my chest. They are growing up and I guess, so am I. For now I can smile at the future and hope to keep my head up and a smile on my face because I cannot and should not dwell on the past. It exists to bring me to today. I am sad and happy at the same time and I am excited to see what life has in store for my little family. It is a happy time but it is still hard to let go. ~The End.